Day 2

All right, Day 2. Well not technically day 2, as I’ve missed a day here and there with writing, but you get the idea.

Religion. Faith. God. Beliefs. Prayer. What does this list mean? This is the topic I’m choosing for day 2. Now before you decide to stop reading, thinking this will be another rant on how there is or is not a God, or that you should go to church, (which, by the way did you go to Church today? I sure as heck did not).

A lot of the things that do not go on in my life come from God. I bet you were expecting something else. There, let me tell you- I’m going for a non-preacher post here.

I have a lot of problems with God, mostly I have major problems with myself. Now, I’ve come a long way to get to my beliefs. Let’s sum it up quickly: I’ve attempted suicide twice, and begged for the end of my life numerous times.

Moving on. Why would a God of love put a person through that? It must be one of those ordeals a person has to go through in order to make themselves ‘stronger’. Which I believe in, don’t get me wrong, but it was just insane how dark it can get without light.

Now that I’ve got a little bit more light in my life, I find myself wanting to get to know God more and wanting him to be a part of my life. Well, a bigger part. But I always say, “I’ll do it later.” I have this book called, Spending time with the Lord and I am reading it, but very slowly and not really using it. So what is the point of reading this book?! I don’t know! What am I doing?

Here I am, with a tool in my hands that will help me become closer to the Lord, daily, and I reject it. I am stuck saying, “I’ll do it right before bed, or I’ll sit down one day and read through it.” And I really think I’m just going to ‘get it’ once I do this.

However, today I was reflecting and realized that every major decision I make, has to allow time to change and adaption for the rest of myself.

See, I enjoy working out, and I do this too much. I’ll even admit that I do it too much. Is 2.5 hours minimum a day too much? Um, yes, but I still do it. I have some of the greatest friends and teammates telling me I do it too much, I read books that say it’s too much, that your body will gradually change, but I want the change now, and I get bored and I like burning more so I can eat more. Where has any of this knowledge gotten me, if I don’t take the time to change it and allow myself to adapt?

If I want something to change in my life, I have to allow myself to be able to adapt to it. I have to change and go outside of my routine. I do not want to do that. But I want God to come into my life.

Well, he’s not going to come, unless I invite him in. So my relationship with God? It does not really exist. Ok, I will not butter coat it, it does not exist. I think by praying every other day, God is going to listen to anything I have to say?

I am an abuser in this relationship and yet, I continue to do it. Why? Because I can get away with it, because I’m not dying any time soon, well at least I HOPE not! Because I’m afraid I’ll do it wrong, because if I repent and love God, I will be saved, because I’m a kind and polite person to the people I currently encounter in life, isn’t this what God is asking of me?

Wow. What a list of sorry excuses. Especially since I cannot explain very well in words what it’s like to have God in my life.

My true excuse (which I end up using a lot) – I think my whole life would change if I morphed this one aspect of my life. If I spend more time learning about God, I’ll lose exercise time, reading time, job search time, time with friends and family, time to myself, time for chores etc.

I would lose these aspects in my mind, but they would always be there because of God. I have a hard time realizing that until I have a moment where I sit and reflect on how the greatness of God shapes me.

Looking at my excuses more clearly allows me to think about what I hold onto in my life and what I truly ‘own’. Which my readers (or reader) consists of what I have to strive daily to accomplish. And that is myself= where I want to be, what I am and what I’m currently doing to discover that.

What a sad and gorgeous realization. And while I feel that tugging, I sign off by saying, I’m going to pick up that book and read it for the next ten minutes. (Even though I’d rather wait until before bed).

Good evening,

E.Diehl