Day 2

All right, Day 2. Well not technically day 2, as I’ve missed a day here and there with writing, but you get the idea.

Religion. Faith. God. Beliefs. Prayer. What does this list mean? This is the topic I’m choosing for day 2. Now before you decide to stop reading, thinking this will be another rant on how there is or is not a God, or that you should go to church, (which, by the way did you go to Church today? I sure as heck did not).

A lot of the things that do not go on in my life come from God. I bet you were expecting something else. There, let me tell you- I’m going for a non-preacher post here.

I have a lot of problems with God, mostly I have major problems with myself. Now, I’ve come a long way to get to my beliefs. Let’s sum it up quickly: I’ve attempted suicide twice, and begged for the end of my life numerous times.

Moving on. Why would a God of love put a person through that? It must be one of those ordeals a person has to go through in order to make themselves ‘stronger’. Which I believe in, don’t get me wrong, but it was just insane how dark it can get without light.

Now that I’ve got a little bit more light in my life, I find myself wanting to get to know God more and wanting him to be a part of my life. Well, a bigger part. But I always say, “I’ll do it later.” I have this book called, Spending time with the Lord and I am reading it, but very slowly and not really using it. So what is the point of reading this book?! I don’t know! What am I doing?

Here I am, with a tool in my hands that will help me become closer to the Lord, daily, and I reject it. I am stuck saying, “I’ll do it right before bed, or I’ll sit down one day and read through it.” And I really think I’m just going to ‘get it’ once I do this.

However, today I was reflecting and realized that every major decision I make, has to allow time to change and adaption for the rest of myself.

See, I enjoy working out, and I do this too much. I’ll even admit that I do it too much. Is 2.5 hours minimum a day too much? Um, yes, but I still do it. I have some of the greatest friends and teammates telling me I do it too much, I read books that say it’s too much, that your body will gradually change, but I want the change now, and I get bored and I like burning more so I can eat more. Where has any of this knowledge gotten me, if I don’t take the time to change it and allow myself to adapt?

If I want something to change in my life, I have to allow myself to be able to adapt to it. I have to change and go outside of my routine. I do not want to do that. But I want God to come into my life.

Well, he’s not going to come, unless I invite him in. So my relationship with God? It does not really exist. Ok, I will not butter coat it, it does not exist. I think by praying every other day, God is going to listen to anything I have to say?

I am an abuser in this relationship and yet, I continue to do it. Why? Because I can get away with it, because I’m not dying any time soon, well at least I HOPE not! Because I’m afraid I’ll do it wrong, because if I repent and love God, I will be saved, because I’m a kind and polite person to the people I currently encounter in life, isn’t this what God is asking of me?

Wow. What a list of sorry excuses. Especially since I cannot explain very well in words what it’s like to have God in my life.

My true excuse (which I end up using a lot) – I think my whole life would change if I morphed this one aspect of my life. If I spend more time learning about God, I’ll lose exercise time, reading time, job search time, time with friends and family, time to myself, time for chores etc.

I would lose these aspects in my mind, but they would always be there because of God. I have a hard time realizing that until I have a moment where I sit and reflect on how the greatness of God shapes me.

Looking at my excuses more clearly allows me to think about what I hold onto in my life and what I truly ‘own’. Which my readers (or reader) consists of what I have to strive daily to accomplish. And that is myself= where I want to be, what I am and what I’m currently doing to discover that.

What a sad and gorgeous realization. And while I feel that tugging, I sign off by saying, I’m going to pick up that book and read it for the next ten minutes. (Even though I’d rather wait until before bed).

Good evening,

E.Diehl

Day 1

Hello Readers
Or I should say, ‘reader’ since only one person can read this at a time, unless, I become so popular, people are crowding around the screen to read it. Highly unlikely.

So, reader, welcome to my blog. The first question you may ask is why did I name my blog Life’s Plan? The title of course is very cliché, overused, and seems to imply that it will give the reader some sort of direction in life.
-it will not. Sorry reader, this blog may fail to get you anywhere in life. I say this because, you need to get your own life and not follow my example through anything I do.

I named the blog because one of my roommates whom I do not know very well (this is a later story coming up) asked me, “What is your life plan?”

-what? Oh, my life plans. Yeah. What? I try taking life one day at a time. With that she asked or implied, “You don’t set goals.”

-well yes, and I didn’t say this back to her, but my goals and my life is my own. I wish I could tell you I did not let this affect me because I am a strong, confident person, who knows something will eventually come up. Obviously I’m not. So I have been thinking about this for about four hours.
-What is my life plan?

What a complicated question!

I do not have enough experience to say exactly what I would like to accomplish in my life. Plus, it was a very personal question. Few people are aware of my goals in life, in fact, maybe two other people know of them. Does this really matter?

-nope. I’d like to think life consists of a lot of downfalls and periods where doubt creeps in. Doubt has to exist, otherwise, how does anyone get anywhere in life? I could sit here and dwell on her question; where do I want to be in five years, what if I don’t get there, what do I like to do, what will people pay me to do, why don’t I have a job yet, when will I be triggered to jump forward, but where does any of that get me? I am not sure.

Walking through life one day at a time makes sense, but we live in such a ‘future’ driven world, the concept becomes more difficult by the second. Yet we could suddenly stop breathing, or get into an accident, and then where do we find ourselves?

One day at a time with a future in mind. This is how I like to think. Sometimes I’m too afraid to
think about the future because I’m content with the present. This is all right. People must linger in the present at times.

Currently, the ‘present’ is where I sit. I do my best, which is all I really can do to live in this world. So what if I don’t have a life plan. Life is already making its’ plan for me. I’m being tugged and looped into a series of events, people, paths, and decisions. I do not think I’ve hit my ‘trigger’ yet.

So you could say I’m waiting, what in the heck am I waiting here for? Let’s get going, let’s start life, let’s start saving money and building a house and planning trips.

How do I jump into that when I’m not sure I want that?

One day at a time with a future in mind,

Signing off for the afternoon,

E.Diehl